Mother's Day

For most women, Mother's Day is an opportunity to celebrate the greatest gift, the greatest joy, ever bestowed upon the human race-the gift of family. However, for me, and no doubt thousands of others, it is a day of mourning. It is one of the few days a year that I feel so deeply the pain of knowing I will never be someone's mom.

I would like to scream and yell and blame it all on Lyme, but the reality is, I do not have children because countless incompetent doctors wrote me off as a crazy person, or a drug seeking junkie, or a hypochondriac. I do not have children because the contractor who remodeled our pretty little house in the country decided to pocket the money for the plumbing and do the work himself, leaving a slow leak in the wall that led to us being poisoned by Toxic Black Mold for 14 months, and in turn led to Lyme finally having the opportunity to beat my immune system into submission. I do not have children because an ER doctor and our family physician left me with an untreated tick bite and bulls-eye rash when I was a young girl. I do not have children because our government, as part of training, forced my husband and thousands of other soldiers in training to stand for hours at a time, allowing ticks and sand fleas to feed off of their bodies, and if they brushed them away, they were punished, leading to my husband acquiring, at the very least, an infection called Mycoplasma which has been passed to me and which is better known as Gulf War Syndrome. 

Yes, there are many reasons why no one will be wishing me "Happy Mother's Day" today, no child will come running in to jump on my bed and give me a handmade card, and there is no box like my mom has that holds each and every treasure my brother and I gave her over the years. So, every year, I mourn this day, what could have been, what will never be, and this year, I would like to find a way to move beyond that pain. How do I go about that?

I must begin by forgiving the doctors for neglecting me and abandoning me when I needed them the most. I must forgive the contractor who destroyed my home, a lifetime of belongings, and my health for $400 extra in his pocket. I must forgive the military for destroying my husband's health, and I must forgive the government that is presently killing so many of us with it's outdated guidelines regarding the treatment of Lyme disease. I have to dig deep into my spiritual belief that everything happens for a reason, and though I can't see that reason now, I will someday. 

Finally, I have to find reasons to be grateful on this day. I have immense gratitude that my mom survived that aneurysm and defied all the doctors claims that she would, as a result, be a bedridden vegetable who would need 24 hour a day care leading to their brilliant recommendation to unplug her breathing tube and let her die. Today, my mother lives alone on five acres of property with a horse, chickens, dogs and cats. She has her own business, she drives, and she manages very well given she is paralyzed on her dominant side. 

Despite our many differences, she is, and always will be, my hero. I was with her through every moment of her five year recovery, and she never presented as a victim. She never asked, "why me?" She just kept moving forward relearning each and every daily function-speaking, eating, walking, cooking, driving, showering, dressing-all the things most healthy people take for granted. When her disability ended one hobby, she immediately found another hobby to replace it. Happy Mother's Day to my mom, my hero. I have to believe that going through that experience with her so many years ago is what has given me the strength and determination to continue fighting where my own health is concerned. 

I am grateful to my husband who would give his life to save mine if he could. I am grateful that he has the strength to stay and fight for me when he could be living a normal life with a healthy wife and children. I am grateful for the hundreds of chronically ill friends I have met who have become a part of my family.  I am grateful for the friends who have not walked away, and, ironically, I am grateful for those who have. 

Last but not least, I am grateful that one of my beautiful kitties just crawled in my lap and rubbed her face on mine to wipe away my tears and remind me that indeed, I am someone's mom. She may not ever bring me a handmade Mother's Day card, but she loves me unconditionally, as do my other pets, and that is my gift on this Mother's Day............